can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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