I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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