also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
