I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
