i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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