we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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