My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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