the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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