his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
