I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
