Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
