Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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