I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
