I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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