I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
