I didn't shave. On purpose
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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