I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
