she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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