Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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