the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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