Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
