look no pants
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
