GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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