I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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