If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
