hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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