My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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