I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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