Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
