i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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