I want to make a zoo with you.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
