dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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