watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
