My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
