I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There's always time for handjobs
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
