I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
