when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
