At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
