wanna go halves on a baby?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i think i scared a bird with my dick
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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