omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
