moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize