Soap is not a condiment
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
