I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
