Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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