I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
