I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
