Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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