It's like a parade of train wrecks.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
