I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
