I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
