allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
