**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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