i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
