Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
