hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
