the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
