I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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