yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Randomize
