new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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