help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
