Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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