It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
